In December 1985, a group of teenagers, shouting “diseased faggot” and “you’re killing us all,” dragged a man named David Johnson from his car in a San Francisco parking lot. Even in San Francisco, where Greyhound buses still dropped off gay men and women taking refuge from the prejudice of their hometowns, carloads of teenagers would drive through the Castro looking for targets. Between the years 19, anti-gay violence increased by 42 percent in the US. This heightened awareness set off waves of anxiety across the country, which was often express through jokes (Q: What do you call Rock Hudson in a wheelchair? A: Roll-AIDS!) and violence. According to one poll, the majority of Americans supported quarantining AIDS patients. Many Americans still thought you could get AIDS from a toilet seat or a glass of water. “In late 1985, the Reagan White House blocked the use of CDC money for education, leaving the US behind other Western nations in telling its citizens how to avoid contracting the virus. Anyway, this is something I started doing at a time in my life when I was wracked by jealousy, loneliness, self-doubt, excessive self-criticism. Like if you catch it early, try countering the negative physical feeling or emotion by doing something nurturing for yourself (exercise or pleasant bath, calling a friend, going to a movie, or whatever).

By observing what’s happening to your body when you go into these head states, you can learn little tricks to alter your body & mood. This observer self is the deepest part of you – deeper than your fearful self, guilty self, emotional self, or intellectual self.

If you notice that you’re being critical of yourself – then try to observe yourself doing this without judging it as good or bad. Where does the physical feeling start? Does a tightness go up or down your stomach for instance. If you feel jealous, or depressed, or guilty – just try to pay attention to how your body feels. “Through meditation or reflection or whatever, find out how to go to that place in yourself that can observe without judging.

Fairyland by alysia abbott